SCENE I

(He and She fly around like jet airplanes in a mating dance. They wear red tape on their faces: His a swastika; hers a star.

HE

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

SHE

(Simultaneously.)

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

HE

(Shooting with thumbs like machine guns.)

Taka-taka-taka.

SHE

Welcome to Trans-Love Airways flight to the future. I will remind you of the life preserver over your head and the airsickness bag directly in front of you. I hope you will have an enjoyable flight.

HE

Prepare heat-seeking missile for interception. Ready. Ein, zvei, drei. Fire!

(As he approaches her face-to-face, he bucks violently as he makes the sounds of the missile firing.)

SHE

Pow.

(She pauses and breathes heavily.)

Wow.

(She bends over backwards and holds her stomach to indicate pregnancy, moving hands alternately outward as she counts.)

Il, yi, sam, sa, oh, yook, chil, pal, goo.

HE

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am!

I'm a born hellraiser.

I can sure give a damn.

(Darkness.)

SCENE II

(She lies on the table with her head toward the audience.

He is under the table.)

SHE

Doctors cost so much these days that I got this book on how to be a do-it-yourself midwife. Let me see. It says here that the first thing to do is to time the contractions. Ouch... Ouch... Ouch... Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouchouchouch. I think that must be it. Now it says to take the baby's head and pull firmly.

(She takes his head and begins to pull it up from between her legs.)

SHE

Do not apply too much pressure for trauma will cause severe brain damage and retardation. Oops. Sorry about that, little one.

(He emerges completely and stands up with his eyes closed.)

SHE

Now it says to slap the baby to make it catch its breath.

(When she slaps him, he slaps her back as he awakes with a start.)

SHE

Ouch. That hurt. I think I'll skip the circumcision part.

(Darkness.)

SCENE III

HE

Gah goo.

Oop oop pah doo.

Oom papa mau mau.

Wop bomba lunat too wham bam boom.

Ooh eeh ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang.

Dada dada dada.

SHE

Let us learn how to talk.

(He gives her the raspberry.)

SHE

That is not nice, baby.

Now we are going to play a game.

HE

Wheeeeeee!

SHE

What do we say when we are cool?

HE

A.

SHE

What do we say when we see a rat?

HE

E.

SHE

What do we say when we touch the fire?

HE

I.

SHE

What do we say when we are astonished?

HE

O.

SHE

What do we say when we are amazed.

HE

U.

SHE

And what is our lesson for today?

HE

AEIOU.

SHE

Now try this:

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy white dog.

(He looks at her dumbfounded for a seconds.)

SHE

Or how about this:

V.F.X. Blitz, Jr. knows Guy Q. Mace, Ph.D.?

(He gives her the raspberry.)

(Blackout.)

SCENE IV

(She stands at the lectern while he sits with head in hand nodding off.)

SHE

Dante was a great poet. He wrote THE DIVINE COMEDY AND...

(She raps the lectern to wake the sleeping student.)

SHE

Dante was a great poet. He wrote THE DIVINE COMEDY and THE NEW LIFE in his...

(She raps the lectern again to get the attention of the student as he looks away.)

SHE

Dante was a great poet. He wrote THE DIVINE COMEDY and THE NEW LIFE in his sweet new style that was...

HE

Why?

SHE

Sit down and be quiet.

It says here in the book:

"Dante was a great poet. He wrote THE DIVINE COMEDY and THE NEW LIFE in his sweet new style welding together matter and manner."

(Fade to darkness.)

SCENE V

(She sits while he kneels as if to propose.)

HE

Love, love, finally in this perfumed and mystic night of silver, I can tell you of the exquisite torment of all my excruciating pains. Love, love, finally the dream suffused in this clear night shadow tears from my heart the word that my lips never dare say.

I am timid in front of your waxen whiteness.

Ah, finally, and my steel heart breaks apart like pomegranate seeds.

Ah, finally, and my pride crouches under your dominating feet.

SHE

I receive with trembling spirit the gift that you are giving me with pure hands. In this air, I can feel the dizziness of a thousand songs opening in my blood. I also feel a frost running through my heart that divides it like a sweet fruit, and my hesitating icy fingers tremble as if they were butterflies over your head of ardent blondness.

HE

Ah. If it were possible to have this moment as a gift from almighty destiny in order to preserve it at the bottom of our hearts and thus always to be able to enjoy it when we feel like it.

I don't want it to die and be over.

I don't want it to flee and destroy itself in the very foggy ocean of time.

I don't want it to go.

SHE

Excuse me, do you have a match?

HE

No, I'm sorry.

SHE

It's nothing. Don't mention it. Never mind.

(Darkness.)

SCENE VI

HE

(Listening eagerly for a knock at the door.)

Here we are.

(He opens the door.)

Good morning, How are you?

SHE

(Advancing with a certain reserve.)

Good morning.

(Looking around.)

It's nice in here.

HE

(With fervor)

How beautiful you are!

So very elegant!

Thank you for coming.

I doubted...

SHE

Why? Where is the painting?

I came to see it.

HE

It's this one.

(On sketchpad, he quickly draws stick figures in the poses of Duchamp's NUDE DESCENDING A STAIRCASE with the lowest of the three phases of the sketch having the face of "Mr. Yuk" on poison control labels.)

A nude descending a staircase.

SHE

(Squinting.)

Yuk!

(He takes her in his arms and kisses the nape of her neck.)

SHE

(Struggling energetically)

Sir! What are you thinking of?

These are really cowardly advances.

HE

Excuse me.

(He grasps her again forcefully and speaks close to her mouth.)

You are so very beautiful! You are mine! You must be mine!

SHE

(Struggling in a way that makes her seem serious.)

Sir! Leave me alone! I'll call for someone.

I'm a respectable woman.

HE

My condolences.

SHE

Leave me alone!

HE

(Mortified, letting her go.)

You are right. I ask your pardon.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I will leave you.

SHE

Open the door for me!

I want to get out of here!

HE

(Going to the door.)

Go!

(With this word, she approaches him and starts to undo his trousers.)

SHE

So, you are shy after all.

Get rid of that picture and come here.

(Darkness.)

SCENE VII

HE

How long has it been since you kidnapped me with that surplus forty-five and dragged me down to the swamps?

SHE

Who cares?

HE

Look. I would like to get home sometime. I can't be the world's next star like you want me to be. I have a family.

SHE

Who cares?

HE

What is all this business about having to have a cowboy mouth?

SHE

Do you really want to know?

HE

Not really.

SHE

Then who cares?

HE

Then why don't you let me out of this rathole?

SHE

I'm not through with you yet.

HE

So, what can I do about it?

SHE

Sing for me.

HE

I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I can't sing a note. I guess that I'm just tone deaf or something.

SHE

Sometimes that can be an advantage that contributes to chaos.

HE

How can chaos get us where we are going?

SHE

You would be surprised.

HE

I thought that I was all right the way that I was.

SHE

I think that we'll call you Rex Revolta.

Everyone will be wrecked and revolting.

HE

(Waving arms.)

I would like to send a reckless semaphore.

(His erratic waving ends repeating semaphore codes for "N" and "D" forming peace signs.)

SHE

What rough beast slouches towards Bayouland?

HE

You look like a crow.

SHE

You can howl like a coyote.

HE

Arf goes Sandy. Little Orphan Annie ain't got no eyes.

(He makes like a coyote, and she acts like a crow. They circle around like the airplanes in the opening scene.)

HE

Ol' coyote sure has got an appetite.

SHE

Lil crow thinks she'll wait 'til ol' coyote kicks from starvation. Then she'll swoop down to feast on his flesh.

HE

I think I'll have to keep howling at the moon. I bay because I don't know the way. I've been stranded in the Painted Desert. Sands of several colors cave in and crash to mix in the dazzling glare of the noonday sun to be my forgotten footsteps in time.

SHE

Meanwhile back in the jungle: you aren't walking in a wasteland; you're merely stranded in the swamps, mon frere, mon semblable, hypocrite lecteur.

(Pause.)

Let's call the lobsterman.

HE

He struck an empty chamber last time he came. All he says is to be drunk or to be anywhere out of this world. All I want to do is to get out of here now. This is useless.

SHE

Look, Slim.

(She points her pistol at him.)

I mean, look, Slim.

All you need is one hit single. See this forty-five. It means business.

HE

And why is that so, Cavale?

SHE

Because the night is made for lovers.

Because the night is made for us.

HE

You're a weird chick, Cavale. Really weird. Weird name, too.

SHE

It means escape.

(Darkness.)

SCENE VIII

SHE

(Folding clothes on the table.)

Imagine being able to tidy up after The Spinner himself.

Live and in person.

HE

(Takes what she has folded and refolds it.)

Here. This is the way to do it so that there are no wrinkles.

SHE

Gee whiz. You do that like you have experience.

What did you do before you were a big star?

HE

That's not important.

SHE

Imagine being able to learn how to fold from The Spinner.

HE

Himself. Live and in person.

SHE

What are your plans after this marathon concert tour?

HE

I will be starring in a film on Antonin Artaud.

I will be great.

SHE

Oh, I'm sure you will.

HE

You must imagine me writhing in tormented agony as I watch my daughter's corpse mutilated and her sexual organs squandered by the French police who murdered her.

SHE

How pitiful.

HE

You must imagine my concentration when I am declared legally dead for not breathing for a half-hour after shock treatment.

SHE

How horrible.

HE

But I am sorry that you must go now.

I am expecting someone.

I must keep a very tight schedule.

(She exits.)

HE

(As if examining himself in a mirror.)

Look at me. Am I wonderful?

How can I be more marvelous?

(A knock.)

HE

Is that who I was expecting at the door?

(He opens the door, and she bursts in all of a sudden.)

SHE

It's you. It's you. It's really really you. Wowie zowie!

HE

Suzy Creamcheese, what's got into you?

SHE

That's not my name.

HE

You look straight from Kansas.

SHE

How did you guess? I really really am. I escaped from the wicked witch of the West just to come see you.

HE

Oh, no. Jailbait. You had better get out of here right fast.

SHE

But you are my hero. I cannot live without you.

HE

Go home and listen to your records.

SHE

But then I can't see you do your stuff.

(She twists her hips suggestively like Elvis the Pelvis.)

HE

It's not the meat but the motion.

The words and the ideas behind them are more important than the person who sings them.

SHE

Yet it is so lonely on the plains where the sigh of the wind is broken only by the wavering whistle of an approaching train. I want to stay with you forever and always.

HE

You can if you listen to the songs closely enough.

They will stay with you even when you do not hear them.

Please go.

(She goes out the door. He returns to his reflective pose.)

HE

(After 15 seconds of pure silence.)

(Tenor.) Do-re-me.

(8 seconds of pure silence.)

(Tenor.) Do-re-mi.

(29 seconds of pure silence.)

(Mezzo tenor.) Sol.

(Baritone.) Do.

(40 seconds of pure silence.)

(Baritone.) Do.

(10 seconds of pure silence.)

(Baritone.) Do.

(Like a baby.) Ne-ne-ne.

(11 seconds of pure silence.)

1 minute of RRRRRRR of a motor.

(11 seconds of pure silence.)

(Basso profundo.) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

(A knock. He goes to the door. She enters and shakes his hand.)

SHE

Say Mack, I have to talk to you quick.

HE

Oh, hello, Helena. What are you doing out of R'n'R?

SHE

I am not. It's A and R. And I am not out of it.

HE

So what's happening? What's shaking, sister?

SHE

I got a copy of the George Benson double live album the other day, and there was a copy of the Ramones inside. Then when I bought Jethro Tull's Live LP set, there was Generation X in it. I've decided that you have got to go completely New Wave.

HE

Oh yes. I can imagine it now. The very chic lady-killer bursts in from the back with great ease, smoking a cigarette. Nimbly and very self-confidently, he throws himself on the edge of the stage apron, spreads his arms out with great openness to the audience, encases his head in his upper arms. I will remember Sid Vicious at the fourth curtain call. With a diplomatic smile, he fixes the whole audience with a sweeping and precise glance, saying DESTROY!

SHE

No, that is not it. That is not it at all.

HE

Then, what it is? Is you is or are you are?

SHE

I want you to do a dub.

HE

You mean like to dub a commercial?

SHE

No, that is not it. That is not it at all.

HE

Then, what is it?

SHE

You just do an instrumental of your latest hit. Then the local DJ's will take it from there.

HE

Then they can use it to dub commercials?

SHE

They can do that if they want, but the whole point of it is to have the opportunity for people to improvise. They do that down in Jamaica. It's Bunny Wailer's protest. Rastaman vibration.

HE

And Johnny Rotten goes disco and calls himself Johnny Cool. Do you know that Bill Buckley owns the soul station in New Orleans? Do you know that Martin and Sinatra made more money off the Sex Pistols than Cook, Jones, Rotten and Vicious?

SHE

They are the boys from Brasil now. They cut a new single with Ronald Biggs, who escaped from the great train robbery to South American. "No One is Innocent." The flip side has Sid Vicious singing "My Way."

HE

Is that the one that was banned in Germany for having a picture of Martin Bormann playing bass?

SHE

Exactly. They are going to do a movie called THE GREAT ROCK'N'ROLL RIP-OFF.

HE

I am going to do a movie, too. And it will be my way. You must go please, for I am in a rush. Another time, perhaps.

SHE

Yeah, Belson was a gas. See you later, if ever.

(She exits, and he returns to his reflection.)

HE

A dub. Hmmmm. How would that sound?

(He scat sings "Satisfaction.")

Nah!

(A knock.)

SHE

(Bursting in.)

Darling, darling!

I'm so glad to see you.

HE

Oh, it's you.

SHE

Who were you expecting? Another woman? If you were, I'll kill her!

HE

No, I was waiting for my roadie to come to pick up my gear. I have a plane to catch. I really must be getting ready to go. It's nice seeing you. Goodbye!

SHE

(Drawing pistol from her purse.)

No, you can't go on like this. I'm really desperate now. I've left my husband so that I can be with you forever and always. Now we can be married.

HE

Wait now. There would be legal problems there. Being too involved with you could be bad for my career.

SHE

You're already to involved with me now. Take me for your own, or I will shoot myself!

HE

You're just a burnt out groupie. Go ahead. See if I care.

SHE

You see what happens.

(She shoots herself and falls into his arms.)

HE

I have to make that plane.

Should I call a doctor?

(Looks at watch.)

Nah!

(Lets her drop.)

(Darkness.)

SCENE IX

(Sing-song + obstinate + endless equals piston)

HE

Gimme!

SHE

Here is my heart!

HE

Gimme!

SHE

Here is my heart!

HE

Gimme!

SHE

Here is my heart!

HE

Gimme!

SHE

Here is my heart!

HE

Gimme!

SHE

Here is my heart!

HE

Gimme!

SHE

Here is my heart!

HE

Gimme!

SHE

Here is my heart!

HE

Gimme!

SHE

Here is my heart!

HE

Uh!

(Greedy, bestial.)

SHE

Ah!

(Ecstasy, abandon, falsehood.)

HE

(Tries to kiss her mouth.)

SHE

(Offers him her forehead.)

HE/SHE

(Jumping convulsively puppet-like, the kiss lands on her nose.)

Uah!

HE

Let me come in your room.

SHE

I can't. I swore to be faithful.

HE

Goodbye.

(Scratches his ears.)

SHE

Goodbye.

(Goes to the corner.)

HE

(Heroically, solemnly.)

I will get myself one.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

SHE

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Friend. I am fickle but loyal.

They have kissed me on the nose.

My mouth is saved.

I am faithful.

Goodbye.

HE

Is that you, Christine?

Good day, little friend.

Sad? Why, me too!

SHE

Come to my house tomorrow morning. My husband leaves early. We'll amuse ourselves.

HE

Oh! I'm very excited! We'll be little devils in bed.

SHE

Goodbye.

(Exits.)

HE

(Goes to the table and sits. Slowly, solemnly, stupidly, he plucks a daisy like a pendulum.)

Is she pure? Or is she not?

Is she pure? Or is she not?

Is she pure? Or is she not?

Is she pure? Or is she not?

Is she pure? Or is she not?

Is she pure? Or is she not?

Is she pure? Or is she not?

Is she pure? Or is she not?

I only kissed her on the forehead.

And she said to me:

"You shall not have my body,

But no one else will have it either."

And I said to her:

"If others kiss you on the mouth, I will kill myself."

And she said to me:

"I will write you everything about myself.

I am fickle but loyal,

loyal but fickle,

fickle but loyal,

loyal but fickle,

fickle but loyal,

loyal but fickle,

fickle but loyal,

loyal but fickle,

fickle but loyal,

loyal but fickle,

fickle but loyal,

loyal but fickle,

fickle but loyal,

loyal but fickle,

fickle but loyal,

loyal but

fickleeeeeeeeeee..."

(Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn.)

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Friend, I knew that. Goodbye.

All the waters of the Mississippi and the Amazon wouldn't be enough to purify your little nose! Is she pure or is she not?

Do I kill myself, or do I not kill myself?

The truth is in the middle.

I will half kill myself.

(He holds the gun to his left side and shoots. His left side sags as if dead. The right side lights a cigarette.

With half a voice.)

It's strange how I feel nervous this evening. I can't resist. With your permission, I absolutely must leave here to--

(As he gets up, his left leg goes out from under him, and he falls)

(Darkness.)

SCENE X

SHE

(Sitting at a table.)

Welcome to "Face the Future," the show with people, by people, for people and about people. Don't we have a population problem?

Maybe there's something we can do abut it.

I'm Georgia Philistine, and today we have Captain Geronimo Littleheart, who will talk to us about strategy. Captain, we are so thrilled to have you with us today!

HE

Chance?

SHE

I thought that Indians were supposed to say how.

HE

(Reaching toward her.)

Know how. Need chance.

SHE

You've been a frequent guest host on the 666 Club, haven't you?

HE

Yes. I've reaffirmed my Christian convictions after I lost half my body in the war. I preach the gospel of righteous indignation.

SHE

How swift. That's really terrible that you got blown up.

HE

Oh. It's not so bad. We laugh and joke about it all the time.

My buddy got blown up by a frag, hoorah, hoorah.

They sent him home in a plastic bag, hoorah, hoorah.

An arm went here, and a leg went there,

And we'll all be back at war

By the end

Of the year

Boom boom boom

BOOM

Boom boom boom.

SHE

And you are here to tell us about the ancient Chinese art of strategy.

HE

Yeah. I like to call it Zen and the art of machine gun maintenance.

SHE

What is the cause of war?

HE

The competitive economy is by nature a constant state of war: worker against worker, company against company, nation against nation. Fighting will continue as long as there is a notion of private property rather than people just using common resources, then passing them on to others as we do in the military.

SHE

What is the basis of war?

HE

All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe that we are away; when fare away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him.

SHE

That seems like a rather long way to fight a war.

HE

There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare. It is only one who is thoroughly acquainted with the evils of war that can thoroughly understand the profitable way to carry it on.

SHE

Then what is the best way to wage war?

HE

Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting. Thus the highest form of generalship is to balk the enemy's plans; the next best is to prevent the joining of the enemy's forces; the next is to attack the enemy's army in the field; the worst policy of all is to besiege walled cities.

SHE

Is battle needed for victory?

HE

In all fighting, the direct method may be used for joining battle, but indirect methods will be needed in order to secure victory.

SHE

How should you appear, and where should you march?

HE

Appear at points which the enemy must hasten to defend. March swiftly to places where you are not expected. You may advance and be absolutely irresistible. If you make for the enemy's weak points, you may retire and be safe from pursuit if your movements are more rapid than those of the enemy.

SHE

These tactics and strategy seem obvious.

HE

All men can see these tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which the victory is evolved. Military tactics are like water, for water in its natural course runs away from high places and hastens downwards. So in war, the way to avoid what is strong is to strike what is weak. Water shapes its course according to the ground over which it flows; the soldier works out his victory in relation to the foe he is facing.

SHE

Then war really depends on circumstances for attack.

HE

To refrain from intercepting an enemy whose banners are in perfect order, to refrain from attacking an army drawn up in calm and confident array -- this is the art of studying circumstances. When you surround an army, leave an outlet free. Do not press a desperate foe too hard.

SHE

Can you quickly tell us, what is the essence of war?

HE

Speed is the essence of war; take advantage of the enemy's unreadiness, make your way by unexpected routes, and attack the unguarded spots.

SHE

Do you have any closing words for military leaders?

HE

The best advice is from the Romans. Belisarius said that the most complete and happy victory is this: to compel one's enemy to give up his purpose, while suffering no harm oneself.

SHE

Well, that's all the time we have for "Face the Future" today, Captain.

HE

Thank you.

(Leaves.)

SHE

And thank you, Captain Littleheart, military strategist and a fun fellow as well. Be sure to watch again tomorrow. Meanwhile, stay tuned for the Futurist Academy Awards, next here on Channel One.

(Darkness.)

SCENE XI

SHE

Welcome to the Futurist Academy Award show. We have several celebrities in the audience with us today. I'm dazzled by all the stars that could be here. Honorable colleagues, now it is the question of awarding the Futurist prize. It's an airplane of the latest model that's good for breaking all altitude and speed records. There are a good many competitors: poets, painters, sculptors, musicians, architects.

HE

I propose a poet. We must reward the audacious free trading of these human eagles giving them the means really to fly with proper wings.

SHE

Are there any other suggestions?

HE

I propose, instead, a painter. Imagine the treasures of plastic dynamism that these devils should know how to discover up there with a palette!

SHE

Are there any more nominations?

HE

No, no. I propose a sculptor. Think what modelings of spaces by spirals, what bridges between plastic exterior infinity and interior could be created by a Michelangelo of the atmospheres!

SHE

And what else?

HE

I suggest, instead, a musician. Enharmonics can only be fully conquered eight miles high.

SHE

Anyone else?

HE

And I am for an architect. The building plan for a future city can only be studied where the points of the skyscraper's groins reach.

SHE

Well? Let us decide. The first thing is to vote by secret ballot. Let us first vote for the genus of candidate. Then let us vote for the species, or in other words, for the names.

HE

Very distinguished gentlemen, here is a new candidate. He says that the announcement of the contest did not have a category for the presentation of titles, and since he comes from far away and was unable to hurry--

SHE

Ah, for a Futurist!

HE

Thus, he asks to be admitted equally to the contest.

SHE

And the titles?

HE

He says he'll present them himself, in person.

SHE

I quickly withdraw my unfavorable prejudice. Let me see him.

HE

(Enters with slow steps wearing mask that says "Shah-na-na.")

Honorable sirs, I declare myself to be the most artificial man in the world. I have a wooden leg, a rope arm, a rubber ear, a glass eye, a wig, a mask, and if this is not enough, a thirteen-inch vibrating, luminous, pulsating cattle prod.

SHE

And you aspire, for this, to the Futurist prize?

HE

Certainly. I was reduced thus by an explosion in a workshop in which I did chemical research into the basis of nitroglycerine and prussic acid. I was making a bomb to blow up the Shah of Iran.

SHE

What do you say to this? Honorable colleagues? He wins the prize by acclamation.

HE

What a fantastic thing! Incredible!

(He turns toward the public, is irritated to see them, then coming to the apron, says categorically.)

I...I...I have absolutely nothing to tell you. Bring down the curtain!

(Darkness.)

SCENE XII

(He and She are sitting across from each other at a table. He is reading a newspaper.)

SHE

How are you?

HE

I'm content. And you, how are you?

SHE

I'm content.

(Pause.)

What a beautiful day it will be tomorrow!

(Pause.)

Have you digested well?

HE

I'm content.

SHE

Have you conquered your indigestion?

HE

I ate well enough and have digested well. I'm content.

(He rubs his eye.)

SHE

Is everything all right?

HE

(Blinking.)

Only a slight ache. It's nothing. Never mind.

SHE

You were really tossing and turning last night.

HE

I dreamed I was being held prisoner in an art factory.

SHE

I wonder what causes dreams like that?

HE

I don't know. I'm content.

SHE

You haven't touched your eggs.

HE

Listen here. It says that an Englishman asked a Chinaman when they had elections.

SHE

So what did he say?

HE

"Evely day before bleckfast."

SHE

I say. There seems to be a column of ants coming across the floor. They're coming to the table. What can we do to stop them?

HE

(Not looking up from the newspaper.)

Soldier ants, you say? Didn't that fellow Leinengen fight them away with gasoline? Do you have any gas?

SHE

Well, You'd better do something about it right away because they're coming right for you. It looks like they're going to go up the leg of the table. I can't let them do that. I'll put the marmalade pot in the way as a decoy.

(She sets marmalade on floor.)

It looks like they don't like marmalade. They must know that they would get stuck. There they go. They're turning away now, but they're heading right for you. It looks like they're going to go up your trouser leg. Oh no, there they go.

HE

(Continues reading and ignores her.

Suddenly he screams and falls to the floor clutching his groin.)

Aei!

SHE

I knew you'd get ants in your pants if you kept on reading.

The ants go marching one by one;

The little one throws away his gun,

And they all go marching

(Rising)

Down underground

To get out

Of the rain

Boom boom boom

BOOM boom boom boom.

(Darkness.)

SCENE XIII

SHE

But let us understand each other. I am not merely a woman who comes to a young man's bachelor apartment. I'm a curious intellectual coming to see the house of an enigmatic poet.

HE

Good heavens, of course! It's natural!

SHE

(Looking around her.)

Where do you write?

HE

On the floor.

SHE

Where do you eat?

HE

On the floor.

SHE

(Looking down.)

And you sleep on the floor. Very simple. But what a bizarre form your bed has!

HE

Parellelepiped.

SHE

And behind that curtain? The toilet.

HE

Furniture.

SHE

(With surprise, ironically.)

You have furniture?

HE

Parellelepiped.

(He pantomimes lifting a coffin onto the table.)

As long as I stay on my feet. It also stays on its feet. When I sleep, I use only the bottom. It's soft, as you can see.

SHE

You're right. It's a very bizarre thing. And this mattress?

HE

Deliciously soft.

SHE

Wool? Moss?

HE

Hair. Women's hair. The hair of all my women.

SHE

You don't say! You plucked them well, your little hens!

HE

(With sudden ardor, hugs her around the waist.)

I have been waiting for the day to pluck an eagle.

SHE

(In an imperial manner.)

Stop there. I'm the one who'll pluck you!

Now you must do everything that I want!

(Leads him to the coffin.)

HE

Command.

SHE

Open it.

HE

And then?

SHE

And then, I am death.

So let us hear no more!

You must get in there.

HE

(With a last glimmer of hope.)

With you?

SHE

You'll see!

You're not Rasputin.

Fly Trans-Love Airways.

Gets you there on time.

HE

(Gets into the coffin and lies on the table with his head facing the audience. She has her hand over his heart, and when he tries to sit up, She pushes him back down.)

I was going to say--

(Rising.)

SHE

You were going to say nothing.

(Pushing him back.)

HE

I just wanted to say--

(Rising.)

SHE

(Pushing him back.)

What is the refrain of the dying man?

HE

(Attempting to rise again.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

SHE

(Pushing.)

What is the refrain of the doctor?

HE

(Rising.)

Ehhhhhhh!

SHE

(Pushing.)

The refrain of the relatives?

HE

(Rising.)

Iiiiiiih!

SHE

(Pushing.)

The refrain of the brother?

HE

(Rising spasmodically.)

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

SHE

(Pushing him back forcefully and holding him down.)

The refrain of the crowd?

HE

(Remaining prone.)

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

SHE

And sometimes why?

(Darkness. Ten seconds silence.)

HE

Lights!

SHE

(Circling the room.)

Lights!

HE

(Circling the room.)

Lights!

(They repeat this circling and calling until the audience joins in the clamor. Then they resume the airplane sounds and patterns until they reach the doors, which they open simultaneously and exit leaving the room illuminated by the clear light of day coming from the corridor.)