PAT

What's going on here?

DOC

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bedlam.

I am the doctor. I am the head man.

I hope that you enjoy your visit.

Is this the first time? Really, is it?

We have entertainment that you may savor:

You can observe our inmate's behavior.

Some occupation for those who don't labor!

As we people develop newer tools,

All of us still remain fools;

For, some you may easily deceive,

But the biggest fool does not believe:

In the heart, this fool says, "There is no God."

Ladies and gentlemen, isn't that odd?

But you have not come here to pray:

A different purpose makes you today

Seek St. Mary's asylum for some play.

I cannot promise a beggars' opera,

Nor can I try to stop a

Show from going on so long.

Let us have some rants and song.

You can watch while we teach

The way of the world to Patty the peach.

Now it is time for me to go,

So, right away, on with the show.

(Exit.)

LPN

(Steps center stage.) So you're the great Patricia Gonne. (Winks at her.) I've read about you in the papers. (Winks at ONE.) Oh, yes, you must be the newspaper heiress who robbed the Bank of England. (Winks at TWO.) I should bow before my better. (Curtsies.) You pop's a peer now. No more Citizen Gonne, but Lord Gonne since he bought the TIMES. (Steps back.)

ONE

(Approaches TWO.) Sir Addisteele.

TWO

(Bowing.) Yes, Milord Gonne.

ONE

I am sorry. But I have no more need of you.

TWO

(Groveling.) Oh, no! Milord does this mean that I am--

ONE

Yes, impeached.

TWO

Oh, no. (Clutches his heart.)

ONE

I have no more need for your kind of writing.

TWO

But what will you do with all your papers now?

ONE

I've come a long way since I started printing business cards. I have decided to consolidate my holdings into a most profitable venture. Industry demands that THE SPECTATOR, THE RAMBLER, THE GUARDIAN, and especially, THE TATLER, that is, those tabloids that attract such a small, elite audience, they will, I say, be done away! From now on, there will be my new paper, THE ADVISER. (Shows audience.)

TWO

And what is that, milord?

ONE

Why the best of all possible papers!

See, here at the top we have an epigram by E.C.B.

Not every one knows Latin, so we have made it bilingual.

(Acts out.)

Cane carmen SIXPENCE, pera plena rye,

De multis atris avibus coctis in a pie:

Simul haec apert'est, cantat omnis grex,

Nonne permirabile, quod vidit ille rex?

Dimidium rex esus, misit ad reginam

Quod reliquit illa, sending back catinum.

Rex fuit in aerario, multo nummo tumens;

In culina Domina, bread and mel consumens;

Ancell'in horticulo, hanging out the clothes,

Quum descendens cornix rapuit her nose.

TWO

One flew east, (Points east.)

One flew west, (Points west.)

ONE

One flew over the cuckoo's nest. (Points at PAT.)

TWO

And is all this space at the bottom for information?

ONE

Exactly.

TWO

Why, that is a lot of news.

ONE

News? That's all for adverts.

LPN

Inverts.

TWO

Oh, yes.

LPN

Preverts.

ONE

This is a business operation.

LPN

Private.

TWO

Really?

ONE

Why yes, we will actually put in ads like this:

Machine Press Brand Flat Irons

(LPN makes ironing motion.)

Made from fine cast iron.

For miladys best apparel.

(LPN holds up blouse and smiles toothily.)

And there is this one:

Wash your cares away folks!

It all comes out in the wash.

Whiter than white with Clear Light.

Wash your cares away.

PAT

This ain't no soap opera!

ONE

Wash your cares away.

PAT

(Hand to head.) My brain!

ONE

Wash your cares away.

PAT

My brain!

ONE

Wash your cares away.

TWO

So, this is your ad vice.

ONE

Well, how do people know what they want unless we tell them what to want?

(Moves folded paper back and forth like an accordion.)

They should all harmonize in strict accord.

PAT

Give me that! (Rips off corner of paper, crumples and throws it in trashcan.)

LPN

Your insolence does no good. They all come out like this.

(Pulls paper dolls out of can and shows them to audience.)

ONE

I'm only in it for the money.

TWO

And, may I ask, how is your dear daughter?

ONE

Paddy is a punk.

Paddy is a runt.

Patricia went to Dublin

To join the IRA.

And, oh, I don't know why.

Oh, I don't know why.

Perhaps she'll die.

TWO

Oh yeah.

ONE

Perhaps she'll die. Oh yeah.

TWO

Second verse. Same as the first.

Paddy is a punk.... Oh yeah.

LPN

Third verse. Different from the first.

Paddy is a punk.

Paddy is a runt.

Patricia came to Bedlam

To talk to us today.

But, oh, I don't know why.

Oh, I don't know why.

Perhaps she'll die.

ONE

Oh yeah.

LPN

Perhaps she'll die.

TWO

Oh yeah.

PAT

What can you do?

ONE

Beat on the brat.

TWO

Beat on the brat.

LPN

Beat on the brat with a baseball bat.

ONE

Oh yeah.

TWO

Oh yeah.

PAT

Oh no.

ALL

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

ONE

What can you do? (Points at TWO.)

TWO

What can you do? (Points at ONE.)

LPN

With a brat like that

Always on your back,

What can you lose?

PAT

And who are you (Points at LPN.)

ONE

Why, she's Squeaky Foam-Jaw.

TWO

Aye, the rabid bitch who drew a dagger on His Majesty.

LPN

But I didn't try to rob the Bank of England like you. (Points at PAT.)

And what about MacHarris?

Tell us about MacHarris.

What happened when you were arrested with William and Emily MacHarris?

PAT

When they shut me up in the county jail,

They threw away the key. There was no bail.

I thought that surely my time had come.

I thought I would never see the sun.

I was shocked

When the door was locked.

Everybody in the whole place flocked

Just to see who would break rocks.

LPN

But what happened when they questioned you?

1&2

Da, dada-da-dah.

PAT

They brought me into the interrogation room.

1&2

Da, dada-da-dah.

PAT

I thought that was it. I thought I saw my doom.

1&2

Da, dada-da-dah.

PAT

And, as I stood there, my knees began to shake,

1&2

Da, dada-da-dah.

PAT

My stomach was uneasy; my hands began to quake,

I didn't know WHAT was going on.

I didn't know what was GOING on.

I didn't KNOW what was going on.

I didn't EVEN know the crime.

LPN

But tell us about MacHarris.

You were always the one to be outspoken.

Now is your chance to speak out,

Did Bill and Emily really kidnap you?

PAT

What would you do if I talked to the law?

Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song

Of how I tried to find a key.

I could sigh if I told on my friends.

I could cry if I told on my friends.

I could fly if I told on my friends.

What do I do when I've nothing to say?

ONE

Does it worry you to be alone?

PAT

How would I feel if I got out that way?

TWO

Are you sad because you're on your own?

PAT

I would sigh if I told on my friends.

I would cry if I told on my friends.

I'm gonna die if I tell on my friends.

1&2

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Newspaper heiress gets a miracle cure.

Extra!

PAT

But what can we do here? There is all this time to kill.

ONE

Well, that's life.

TWO

What's life?

ONE

It's a magazine.

TWO

How much does it cost?

ONE

Oh, about THAT much.

TWO

I'm Irish. I don't have THAT much.

ONE

Well, that's life.

TWO

What's life?

LPN

Hey, let's have a play!

THE BELL OF BRANDENBURG.

OK. Now you two make like a gothic cathedral

(1&2 hold their stage front arms in a rounded arch over Pat center stage.)

No, no. Not Romanesque. No papists her. Gothic. Gothic!

ONE

Achtung! (Stiffens arm into nazi salute.)

TWO

Seig heil! (Salutes!)

LPN

What is that? Some kind of salute?

PAT

Do you want a Romanesque salute?

(Upswings fist in gesture of defiance.)

LPN

I tell you clowns that by my boot,

If you don't quit fooling around,

You'll both have flying buttresses.

Now make an arch! (They do as she says.)

As I was saying, THE BELL OF BRANDENBURG:

It stars you, my dear Patricia.

PAT

Oh, really?

LPN

There was once a German town

Where the people got around

To decide that their guild

Would get together to build

Something to improve their stock.

By this, I mean a clock.

They were all in their prime

And decided that the time

In common was the most

They needed for their host.

They commissioned a great tinker.

He really was a thinker.

And he built this great time piece

Facing sunrise in the east.

In it he placed a great bell

Which every day the time would tell

By ringing people to their work

And on Sunday to the church.

On the day of dedication

There was great jubilation,

But when the time was there to sound,

The architect was not around.

Where he was, no one could tell,

For he was at work inside the bell.

All the folks began to sing

When the bell began to ring.

ONE

Ding.

TWO

Dong.

ONE

Going.

TWO

Gone.

ONE

Hong.

TWO

Kong.

ONE

King.

TWO

Kong.

ONE

Living.

TWO

Long.

ONE

Ming.

TWO

Among.

ONE

Ping.

TWO

Pong.

ONE

Wring.

TWO

Wrong.

ONE

Sing.

TWO

Song.

ONE

Thing.

TWO

Thong.

ONE

Wing.

TWO

Wong.

ONE

Yin.

TWO

Yang.

ONE

Zing.

TWO

Zong.

LPN

Thirteen times it rang.

Then all he could hear was bells.

ONE

Bells.

TWO

Bells.

ONE

Bells.

TWO

Bells.

ONE

Bells.

TWO

Bells

LPN

Bells. The ring-ing-ing-ing-ing of the bells.

ONE

Ma-ma-ma-Bell. We will get you.

TWO

You can tell a phony.

ONE

Don't say anything bad, or I'll tap you.

1&2

(Bring down arms to catch PAT.)

London Bridge is falling down.

My fair lady.

PAT

Caught like a rat in a trap, am I?

(Breaks free.)

I don't like this.

What else do you do here for fun?

LPN

We race rats in a labyrinth.

PAT

Amazing! A rat race. Race riot?

What happens if they take the right way?

What do they get when they find the center?

A reward?

TWO

They drop in the chamber pot and drown.

ONE

Where did you think they go?

LPN

Heaven?

PAT

But, if they take the wrong way, are they lost?

LPN

Then they get burned.

TWO

Yes. Burned

ONE

Just like the British burn the blarney babies at Drogheda. That's in your beloved Erie. The whole town was massa-creed. Seventy people hid in the steeple. They burned that, too. And they smashed the skull of the swine's commander with his own wooden leg. He was offered Pax Britannica, a modest proposal that he could not refuse.

PAT

And a pox it is! Such an atrocity! Was it a bloody Sunday?

ONE

No.

LPN

You should be banished to Ireland.

TWO

A banshee from Ireland!

Where?

ONE

Drogheda? August 1649, Cromwell for the Commonwealth.

TWO

And the skinheads, right?

ONE

Skinhead? You dunce!

TWO

I mean square heads.

ONE

No. You blockhead. Round.

LPN

Round and round it goes.

Where it stops, no one knows.

Tag. You're it.

(Taps PAT on the head.)

What about MacHarris?

PAT

Please, no more games. I want to get out of here. I don't know anything. I don't know why they brought me here from jail in the first place.

LPN

There is one way out.

PAT

What is that?

LPN

Catatonia.

ONE

Ahhhhhhhh.

TWO

Ahhhhhhhh.

LPN

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

(Steps on PAT's toe.)

PAT

Ouch!

(Raising voice.)

I don't think that this is funny at all!

(Enter DOC)

DOC

What is going on here?

PAT

These people are bonkers!

You have got to get them away from me.

They are mad, I tell you.

DOC

Nurse. Will you take care of this patient?

LPN

Surely, Doctor.

DOC

Have the attendants restrain her.

PAT

No, no!

(1&2 take her arms and cross them like a straight jacket.)

(LPN puts two pieces of tape across her mouth.)

DOC

Don't worry, the Frenchman will get it out of her.

That Anton Mesmer can work miracles.

LPN

I hope he brings his witty friend with him

DOC

Oh, the Marquis de Sade.

ONE

What a rake!

TWO

And such a sense of humor!

DOC

What rank are you, cutie?

LPN

Licensed Practical Nurse.

DOC

(Squeezes her.)

Well, well. You can practice your license later with me.

(To audience.)

Pardon me. I must make excuse

If your time has come to no use.

It has become time at last

To congratulate our cast.

I have just one more demand:

For our players please give a hand.