DECONSCRIPTION-Writings of Curtis Cottrell

Carsonogenic













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HOST

--And our next guest this evening is a recently announced candidate for the presidency of the United States, Mr. J.W. Byrd of Texas.

(Pan right to curtain. Nothing happens.)

ANNOUNCER

(Off camera.) Ah, Jack, our producers say that Mr. Byrd isn't backstage. Our next guest is--

(Incomprehensible shouting from the orchestra pit. Pan to orchestra where Byrd has seized an instrument mic.)

BYRD

What?

(Feedback.)

Oh, OK. Uh, Jack, ah been hankerin' to play the geetar for the fokes, but ah don't know this here woo-woo gizmo from a clutch.

(Turns to the guitarist.)

So, ah'll letcha sit in on this one for me son.

(The musician smiles and nods.)

Annawon, annatoo--.

(The band begins to play,)

The ahs of Texas are upon me--

Y'all can join in with me, fokes!

(A few of the audience sing along as the song ends in cacophony.)

HOST

(Off camera.) Well, well--

(Byrd attempts to hand mic to member of orchestra, but drops it. Extreme feedback. He goes to the top of the orchestra through the musicians occasionally knocking over microphones, instruments, and music stands. Then, at the edge of the orchestra pit, the hell of his boot gives away, and he falls back into the pit. After going through the orchestra again, he is finally seated next to HOST.)

HOST

Well, that was the most stirring rendition of that tune that I've ever heard.

(Sips from cup.)

And the encore wasn't bad either.

BYRD

What encore?

HOST

Uh-hum. Mr. Byrd, or shall I call you J.W.?

BYRD

Shore can.

HOST

All right, J.W.

(Sips from cup.)

And what does J.W. stand for, if I may ask?

BYRD

John Wayne.

HOST

Oh, then can I call you Duke?

BYRD

Well, nobody ever called me that, but me and the Duke got a lot in common. Him and those Green Berettes could won that war if they'd let'm 'stead draftin' all those younguns hopped up on herowana--

HOST

Well, I know we're all glad it's over.

You call yourself the head of the Unify Party.

Could you tell us about that?

BYRD

Why yes, Jack. Yasee ah'm a welder by trade, and when ya look into that arc all day, it kinda does somethin' to ya.

HOST

Yes, I guess it does.

(Looks at audience.)

BYRD

Anyhow, Jack, like ah was sayin', when ya see all that power at once ya know what power is, and ah come to realize that it takes the power of a plain hard-workin' man like me to bring unity back to this United States and weld this country back together again. One nation invisible.

HOST

Uh, yes.

(Sips from cup.)

You haven't announced a running mate yet. I was wondering if you have anyone in mind.

BYRD

Well, Jack, to tell you the truth, ah was thinkin' ah'd have the missus runnin' with me. Ah represents the common man, and she can represent the wimmin. She's an Injun anyhow, and it's their country in the first place, so ah think it's right for them and all the rest of the colored fokes and everyone to feel like they've got their fingers in the pie. Nobody can call me prejudiced 'coz ah'm against all of'm. Ah reckon that's fair and square.

HOST

Oh, I see. And do you have any plans or programs that you want to put into effect if you were to be elected?

BYRD

Like what?

HOST

Uh, well, what do you plan to do about inflation?

BYRD

Well, to tell you the truth, jack, I think that there's a lot of money that the taxpayers can save that's being wasted right now. To start with, they can get rid of all those people at the White House. I think a man should take care of himself. My missus can cook for me like she always does, and a good man needs plenty of hard work and sunshine so ah'm gonna mow the lawn there myself. Used to do that for a livin', yaknow.

HOST

But, won't that leave you little time for international affairs and the like.

BYRD

They mind their business, and ah'll mind my own.

(His eyes cross, and he wiggles his mouth. Host stares dumbfounded. Byrd reaches up and begins plucking hairs from his nose.)

HOST

Uh, Mr. Byrd, are you all right?

BYRD

(Still plucking.) Oh, shore. Just a bit of hair that tickles me every once and a while. A hoss bit me on the nose when ah was knee-high, and they grafted skin from my (Bleep)!

HOST

Your (Bleep)?

BYRD

(Plucks another one.) Hotdam, gotcha ya little bugger! Yeah, my (Bleep)! Yawanna see it?

HOST

Uh, no. That's quite all right. What else is in store for the country if you take public office?

BYRD

Ah think all those congressmen could use some fresh air and sunshine, too. They should all go around and help police up the grounds of the Capitol every day. That would be a very wholesome and character-building experience for them. (He reaches into his pocket and removes a large white tablet, which he places into his mouth.)

HOST

Is that your medicine? Are you sure that your are all right, J.W.?

BYRD

All righty-dighty, Jack. Just alky-seltzer.

(He bites into tablet.)

We had some Mexican food in a restaurant this evening, and them tamales just ain't like the missus makes. These things yall got here give me heartburn. (Gargles.)

HOST

(Winces as Byrd continues crunching.)

Yes, I guess it could be a problem.

BYRD

(Wipes foam from his mouth.)

And you know, Jack, another way we can all save a lot of money is to get rid of them Secret Service men. I can't stand to have someone followin' me around all the time. Ah packs mah own pistol anyhow. Got it right cheer.

(He pulls a revolver from a holster under his coat and holds it in Host's direction. Host jumps up, falls out of his chair, and crawls under his desk.)

Oh, didn't want to rile you up and cause a ruckus. Guess ah'd better put this away.

HOST

(Reseating himself.)

Yes, please. And now I see it's time to go to Fred, who has a word for us from the Ace of Beers.

BYRD

(Still foaming at the mouth.)

Shore could use some suds mahself to wash this down.

(Gargles.)

(Fade to commercial.)